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the Bad Catz!
Zelda - alpha cat, born August 2001 
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Zoe - the middle cat, born March 2002
Zippy - the baby boy, born March 2003
Things in our world come in these categories: things to eat, things to play with/attack, things to nap on, and things to ignore. Sometimes things will fall in more than one category. No cat will ever tell another cat not to play with his food.Tuesday, July 29, 2003
Things to eat include bugs, paper, lint, cat treats, mystery objects found on the floor, and if nothing else is available, cat food.
Things to play with or attack include everything that isn't on the "ignore" list. You know how well you have chosen something to play with by how much a person tries to distract you or stop you from what you are doing. Ignore them.
Things to nap on includes anything large enough to hold a cat. Look for things with a high annoyance (to others) factor. This could include computer keyboards, newspapers or books that someone is trying to read, clothing that is in a contrasting color to your fur, or (Zoe's favorite) in front of doors. A nap right in front of the refrigerator just before dinner time is always good.
One thing to ignore is anyone who calls you "wittle kitty wuv ums". Ignoring people who use baby talk to cats does not rule out leaving "presents" in their shoes. Other things that may be on the ignore list are cat beds (you don't have to be an 800-lb. gorilla to sleep where you want to), scratching posts (the furniture is just fine for us, thank you), anyone calling your name (as if you have nothing better to do than come running to them like a dog), and, as mentioned above, anyone trying to distract you from playing.
posted by Z 3:16 PM
Today's forecast, intermittent naps with brief periods of scattered cat badness. The badness is expected to be in the form of cat races down the hall and across tables, chairs, and the couch. It is impossible to determine at this time what type of damage will be caused. It is suggested that breakable objects be secured inside closed cabinets. If there are signs of approaching racing cats, take shelter immediately.Monday, July 28, 2003
Napping cats can become racing cats in seconds. Be alert, you're safety and the safety of your things is at stake.
posted by Z 1:35 PM
Cat knocks on door to save owner in fireSunday, July 27, 2003
Are they sure the cat wasn't knocking on the door to say, "I was making some smoked salmon and things kinda got out of hand"?
Still, it's a good lesson for cats. When there's trouble, it's a good idea to wake yourmeal-ticketbest friend. Rewards of kitty treats and catnip toys would be appropriate...or dare we suggest adding a fish tank and maybe a parakeet or two to the household? Those would make nicesnackspets for the cat.
posted by Z 6:25 PM
What do you mean dinner isn't ready?
posted by Z 8:02 PM
Saturday, July 26, 2003Zippy giving that "come hither" look...a bit difficult to pull off after one has been neutered.
Zippy and Zelda will both pose for pictures taken with the cell phone camera.
Zoe thinks the phone is a cat toy. This results in distorted pictures of a cat nose.
posted by Z 7:51 PM
Zelda...this is her "happy face".
posted by Z 1:02 PM
Zelda is looking out the window making little cat noises.Wednesday, July 23, 2003
Zoe is sleeping on the floor. So is Zippy but he is using Zoe as a pillow. She is the one with the softest, fluffiest fur.
posted by Z 12:29 PM
Oh, joy! A paper grocery bag! Zippy runs inside it only to be attacked from the outside by Zoe.Monday, July 21, 2003
Zelda watches in amusement. When Zoe was little, she had gotten inside a bag too. Zelda sat on the opening of the bag, pointedly ignoring the kitten trying to get back out.
posted by Z 5:12 PM
Zippy's favorite toys are a flat furry cat toy critter and a mechanical mouse.Saturday, July 19, 2003
Zoe's favorite toy is a milk ring. When a new bottle of milk comes home from the grocery, she is there waiting for the plastic ring from the cap.
Zelda's favorite playthings are the minds of inferior creatures. In her opinion, this includes pretty much everyone.
posted by Z 10:32 PM
Zoe steals kitty treats. If another cat is offered a treat, Zoe appears out of nowhere and scarfs it down as if she were a dog or something!Friday, July 18, 2003
Very rude behavior for a cat, if you ask us (Zelda and Zippy). The only good thing is that she also steals Cheetos from the people if they aren't paying attention (guarding their food.)
You can take a cat out of the street but you can't take the street out of the cat.
posted by Z 7:03 PM
It has come to our attention that some may think we don't appreciate our humanWednesday, July 16, 2003stafffriends. What we write here is all in fun. Really. We hope you don't take it seriously becausewe are afraid we won't get fedwe don't want to hurt your feelings.
We're just a fun bunch of kitties who like to jokeat your expensearound. Fun, fun, fun. That's us. Wheeeee!
posted by Z 5:04 PM
What Your Cat Is Trying to Tell You
TOKYO (Reuters) - Now that you can interpret what your dog is saying, how about your cat?
Takara Co, a major Japanese toy maker, said on Wednesday it would launch a device called the "Meowlingual" that can interpret a cat's meow, hoping to repeat its success with the "Bowlingual," a dog translation device.
Takara said the Meowlingual, a palm-sized electronic console that displays the interpreted phrase on a screen, will be priced at 8,800 yen ($74.62) and it would aim to sell 300,000 units by the end of March 2004.
Takara has sold about 300,000 dog translation devices in Japan since last year and plans to launch an English-language product in the U.S. market in August for about $120.
It has already rolled out the product in South Korea. The news hoisted Takara shares, which rose 5.68 percent to 781 yen by the midsession close.
We can tell you now, you DON'T want to know what your cat is saying. Continue to delude yourselves. For those of you who really feel you must know, read this and save the $120 (spend it on cat toys).
You think we are saying, "Mmmmm, cat food. You provide for me soooo well. I love you." We are really saying, "Staff, feed me now! If I had opposable thumbs, you would be out of a job!"
You hear, "I want to be with you." What we are really saying is, "My ancestors ate your ancestors. You are allowed to continue living only by my whim."
Meowing at the door isn't, "Let meeee-ooout." It's, "What is this place, a jail? Do you know who I am? Get over here and open the door! NOW!"
A meow when you come home does not mean "I missed you." It means "How dare you leave me! I left a present in your shoe to teach you a lesson."
If you are sitting down and a cat walks up and meows at you it is telling you, "You make a nice seat warmer, now get up and let me lie there."
Other random comments not related to specific circumstances are, "Have you put me in your will yet?", "Isn't it time for a cat treat?", and "Billions of humans and I picked you...what was I thinking?"
Those are among the nicer things we have to say. If you knew the rest, you would never be able sleep peacefully again.
posted by Z 9:58 AM
Zippy:Tuesday, July 15, 2003
I am an overly happy A.D.D kitten
Which cute or possibly strange kitten are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Zoe:
I am a chubby little kitten blob
Which cute or possibly strange kitten are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Zelda:
I am a rude kitten with a little pink butt
Which cute or possibly strange kitten are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
posted by Z 9:06 AM
Three cats whoMonday, July 14, 2003thinkknow they are all that AND a bag of catnip.
posted by Z 7:15 AM
Fun with Humans: Things to do after dark. Best done when there is only one person at home/awake.Sunday, July 13, 2003
Stare intently out the window into the darkness. Twitch a lot. When you have your human's attention, hiss at the darkness.
Sit and stare at a point in space directly behind your human.
Casually stroll into the room that your human is in. Stop suddenly. Look startled. Quickly race away.
At this point your human should call you to him/her for comfort (their's not your's, ungrateful creatures). Act reluctant. Make them offer kitty treats to get you to come to them (what do they think you are, a dog??). The end result will be a warm lap with lots of petting and kitty-love. Continue to glance at the window occasionally. Twitch ears.
posted by Z 12:42 PM
Zoe and Zippy, beware! Zelda is hogging all the sunshiney goodness coming in through the window in the kitchen door.
posted by Z 5:37 PM
Zippy wants to be a magician when he grows up. He has been practicing the trick where one pulls the tablecloth off the table without disturbing anything else on top of the table. He is not very successful.Saturday, July 12, 2003
posted by Z 5:35 PM
Zelda moved.
posted by Z 9:06 PM
Zippy - sleeping on the kitchen table half draped over the back of a chair. Comfort is a matter of mind control...or what would seem be an apparent lack of bones.
Zelda - sleeping on a chair. Tableclothes make a nice tent to hide under. (Grammar rules are for people, cats don't obey any rules.)
Zoe - lying on an end table watching kids play video games just waiting for her chance to stroll over and step on the GameCube button marked "Power".
posted by Z 4:06 PM
"I meant," said Iplsore bitterly, "what is there in this world that makes living worthwhile?" Death thought about it. "CATS," he said eventually, "CATS ARE NICE."Friday, July 11, 2003
from Sourcery by Terry Pratchett
posted by Z 3:42 PM
Proverbs for CatsThursday, July 10, 2003
Naughtiness is its own reward.
A bird in the paw is a fun thing.
All's well that ends with lots of kitty-generated commotion.
Cleanliness is next to catliness.
Do unto others in the way that is most amusing to you.
Naughtiness is the best policy.
Cats make the world go round.
Out of sight, time for mischief.
There's one law for the cats, another for the people.
posted by Z 7:34 AM
Plastic grocery bags are kitty nests of crinkly goodness.
posted by Z 12:53 PM
Zippy - "meow"Wednesday, July 09, 2003
Zoe - "purrrrrrrrrrrrrrr"
Zelda - stoney silence
posted by Z 12:50 PM
Take naps in inconvenient places. Examples include on top of keyboards (one of our favorites), doorways, on the toilet seat, or immediately behind a chair at the table. Lie down on top of the TV remote control...see if you can change channels or turn the set on and off. It is very important to look as cute (and innocent) as possible while doing this.*Monday, July 07, 2003
* Zelda refuses to try and look cute. She prefers the "try and move me and risk the loss of important body parts" look.
posted by Z 3:20 PM
Zelda, Zoe, and Zippy (the three Bad Catz) with thoughts about doing the laundry:Saturday, July 05, 2003
Any time there is an empty laundry basket, it must immediately be filled with at least one cat. (As demonstrated by Zoe.) If the laundry basket is being filled with dirty clothes, a cat must jump in to help. Socks may be removed at random.
If the dryer is opened, cats must investigate. If it's winter and the clothes are still warm they should be left in there with the door open so cats can use it as a cosy napping place.
Keep your leaping skills finely tuned by jumping onto the stacks of clean laundry. When you are through practicing your leaping, these also make ideal napping spots. Try to cover them with as much cat fur as possible, it will save time later on. Again, socks may be removed at random. Think of it as a scavenger hunt for your humans.
posted by Z 5:45 PM
Much naughtiness last night. Today will be spent napping. Please do not disturb our resting...unless it's mealtime.
posted by Z 3:26 PM
No more booms, please. If there is noise to be made, cats should be the ones to do it. (We prefer the crash-booms of things falling from tables and shelves.)Thursday, July 03, 2003
posted by Z 12:08 AM
A message from Zoe:Wednesday, July 02, 2003
I will put up with a lot from my humans. Kids can pick me up and tote me around. I will ride around in doll strollers or wagons. I don't bite, I don't scratch. I'm a loving purr-kitty as long as you remember one thing...
All cartons of soft drink cans are mine! Reach in to get a can at your own peril. I will race to the carton from anywhere in the house to protect my cans. I will dive head first into the carton to attack the scavenging hand. Beware, I am Zoe, Queen of the Cans!
If you do succeed in getting a can and putting it in the refrigerator don't think you have won. Cats have patience. I will wait until you take the can out of the refrigerator and leave it open and unattended for a moment. You will return to find your drink knocked over. You must be made to pay for taking my can.
A cat being obsessed with cartons of soft drink cans isn't odd. Nope. Not at all. Perfectly normal.
posted by Z 12:54 PM
"Look before you leap" is a lesson that Zippy learned last night.
The lid to the toilet seat is usually kept down. All three of us have found it to be a nice perch for observing some of the stranger behavior of our humans. (Why do they take showers? Very odd, wanting to get wet all over.) Last night one of the humans was in the bathroom. The toilet seat lid was up but the door was closed.
Zippy has learned to open the door by running at it and jumping. The door opens. He runs in and leaps...splash!
He was fished out, a sadder but wiser (and wetter) kitty.
posted by Z 2:17 PM
Just what is wrong with some morning kitty wrestling? On the kitchen table. During breakfast.Tuesday, July 01, 2003
It will wake you up faster than a strong cup of coffee.
posted by Z 12:05 PM
Boxes make the perfect cardboard kitty lair.
posted by Z 7:57 PM
